The Upside of Holding a Grudge
Led by Ellen Colodney
Author Sophie Hannah takes an impressively non-traditional approach to grudges in her book “How to Hold a Grudge”. Much of the below is plagiarized from her book, and from a New York Times article about the book.
Traditional definitions and synonyms
Forgive: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender). Pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit.
Grudge: a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will. Grievance; resentment, bitterness, rancor, pique, umbrage, displeasure, dissatisfaction,
Society and most spiritual and religious teachings push forgiveness and advise against holding grudges.
Unfortunately, if we push ourselves to quickly forgive, we may in fact deny reality, and fail to protect ourselves against future offenses and harm. This is where properly developed grudges come in handy.
It is useful to think of grudges not as negative feelings, but as stories to learn and benefit from. By thoroughly analyzing those stories we acknowledge that something bad has happened to us and that that matters.
How to Properly Develop a Grudge
Record what happened in writing.
Write your grudges down so you can remember how you felt, accurately. This provides space to analyze what happened, gives a perspective and helps to make negative feelings more manageable. According to Hannah “We’re getting it out of ourselves so we’re not stuck in a feeling”
Rate the grudge by answering a series of questions
How bad was the intention of the grudgee?
Did they know they were upsetting, hurting or being unfair to you?
How serious was the overall situation?
How bad was the effect upon you?
Should or could they have known/done better?
Did they cause you real harm?
How intense is the “Grrrr!” factor (the extent to which you still strongly feel Wow, that was so out of order!)?
How long have you held this grudge or expect to hold it?
Would this incident alone be sufficient to make you hold a grudge about this person or people?
Would something bad or frightening have happened to your grudgee if they hadn’t done what they did?
Would this grudge be canceled out/terminated if your grudgee apologized fully and wholeheartedly?
Is your grudgee someone who matters to you, and to whom you matter?
(Ellen’s addition - is this a repeated offense?)
Store the grudge in a grudge cabinet (which, in our modern era, may be a Google Docs folder) — for at least a day, then reading it over and asking yourself if there’s space to bring humor or fun to the story.
Rewrite the narrative. “If I could rewrite this story changing only my behavior, what would I change?” Compare the two versions and ask if the negative feelings you’re experiencing result from frustration about not being able to change the past, or anger because you wish you had acted differently. This exercise is designed to let you process negative feelings so that they don’t eat away at you until the end of days.
Use your grudges
To protect yourself against future ill treatment. When you fully recognize and understand the impact of a person’s negative behavior on you, you can set appropriate rules boundaries and limitations to protect yourself.
To support a sense of agency. “By constructing your grudge, classifying and grading it, you should feel more empowered, and not feel like a victim.”
To be a better person. “ if, for example, someone is very rude and you form a grudge about that behavior, it may inspire you to be more courteous.”
And possibly to be more forgiving. Once you fully understand your grudge, you might decide to view the behavior as only a portion of a complex person who is otherwise worthy of forgiveness.